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I suck at being lonely. I can admit it. I need a girlfriend like a crack
addict needs a hit, but they don't deal girlfriends for as cheap as they can deal crack. Not anymore, at least. I hear it's
illegal.
That's fine with me. I'm long past the age where I need a good fuck to keep me going.
Unfortunately,
I'm not quite at the age where I notice a good thing when it's lying next to me with its hair splayed out on the pillow and
its lips slightly parted in sleep.
I could write an entire book of poetry inspired by her sleeping habits. She was
so damn beautiful lying there next to me, and it had nothing to do with her physicality. She was just so peaceful, and when
she would roll over and curl into my side, fingers curving around the edge of my stomach, I melted. She could melt me like
butter in a microwave.
I've had a lot of girlfriends like that--you know, girls with no substance and a lot of endearing
qualities. I've had a lot of girlfriends that loved to party and an equal amount who didn't. I've had lots of girlfriends
who shared my vices and an equal amount who loathed them.
She was different. I've had a lot of girlfriends, yeah, but
I'd never had a girl of virtue before. I'd never had a selfless lady who didn't mind answering the phone at three in the morning
when I was exhausted and lonely and cold on some tour bus in the middle of nowhere. I'd never had a woman who trusted me so
completely.
Of course, the higher up you are, the farther you have to fall.
She fell. Hard. I like to pretend
that I didn't push her over the edge, but I know I did, because I've never fucked up that badly before either.
Every
girlfriend I have, we get to that point. You know what point I'm talking about—the one where the big fat four-letter
L-word shows up to crash the party. I was so familiar with the scenario that it didn't freak me out. We were lying in bed
one night, chests heaving with the force of our unmentionables, and her words were merely a whisper in the dark.
"I
love you."
Me, being the dumbass that I am, answered immediately. "I love you, too."
At this point, all of the
other girlfriends would smile beautifully and pull me closer, covering me with kisses and murmuring that they knew it all
along. I'd just sit there and soak it up.
I prepared to soak her up like a sponge, but she rolled over and leveled
me with a look I'd never seen before.
"No you don't."
She wasn't all of the other girlfriends.
"Yes I
do."
She started laughing.
"No you don't. It's okay, Alex. I just wanted to let you know how I feel."
"And
I wanted to let you know..."
She cut me off, which was probably a good thing.
"Alex. It's okay. I love
you, and because I love you, I don't expect anything in return."
It was a new concept. I don't do well with
new concepts, so I fucked it up.
I fucked it up, but she started it.
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